Monday, May 06, 2013
Intermediate Writing
Downloading and Sharing music off the Internet
201103227 E. I. T
Jung Ji Soo
Nowadays, the issues are really hot about downloading and sharing music off the internet. In my own perspective, music is also kind of intellectual property, so it is natural and right to get proper money. So Downloading and sharing music off the Internet for free is illegal and those who provide it to others illegally need to get a judge for their actions.
First of all, in Korea, too many people download music illegally just to save little amount of money. They simply think that it is okay for themselves to download music. However, there are too many people do like that. They even don't feel that it is illegal. So the government needs to teach them music is also kind of intellectual property and it needs to be protected, and sharing music off the internet is like stealing other' goods.
Secondly, the quality of life becomes more and more important. Among elements that make us happy, music takes big and important part. To become more diverse and international society, we also need to make music diverse. However, if people download them freely and illegally, then who wants to make music? Music makers know that they cannot earn a lot of money for people's actions, then they stop making really fantastic music. It is serious to make our cultures limited.
At last, as many people know, music takes important role to connect one's culture to others' cultures. Think about Psy; with 2 songs, Gangnam style and Gentlemen, Korean national image becomes higher and worldwide people start to know where is Korea and become interested in Korea. Only by looking at this, naturally we can know that how important music is. It means that we need to protect and treat music legally and think that it is really important in our cultures.
To conclude, as music is kind of intellectual property and we need to make our culture diverse and music is important cultural connector, we shouldn't download and share music off the internet illegally. We need to protect music.
1.What I like about this piece of writing is that your essay format is well structured. It was easy to follow your points and where you are heading.
ReplyDelete2. Your main point seems to be that poeple who download music illegally should be judged.
3. These particular words or lines struck me as powerful: your last point.
It is true that if people around world exposed with the problematic of Koreans with online illegality, it's a shame for us to go out and introduce ourselves to others.
4. Some things aren't clear to me. These lines or parts could be improved(meaning not clear, supporting points missing, order seems mixed up, writing not lively): Your chosen words suit to what you are saying but I think it would be great to use right words. ex) "the issues are really hot". Also, I think it would be great to extend your sentences; try to be specific.
5. The one change you could make that would make the biggest imrpovement in this piece of writing is:
I think that expanding your sentences, being more specific and choosing right words can improve your essay writing skills significantly.
1. I like the introductory paragraph of this essay because it precisely clarifies the writer’s opinion and argument on the topic of the essay.
ReplyDelete2. The main point seems to be that people who illegally download music off the internet should be judged by law.
3. There are some new ideas and arguments that are not so common. The second and third point of the writer’s argument is very unique and persuasive, making the essay more convincing. The fact that diversity of music is important, and that music can be related to culture, are some points that I have never actually thought about. Also, I like the rhetorical question in the second body paragraph; it makes me think once more about downloading music off the Internet.
4. I think the topic sentence of the second body paragraph is not precise. A topic sentence should represent and sum up the whole paragraph, but the topic sentence of the second body paragraph does not summarize the point of the paragraph.
5. As mentioned above, I think rewording the topic sentence of the second paragraph would make your points of argument clearer and easier to understand :)
-Yun Jeong Lee
Thursday, May 09, 2013
ReplyDeleteIntermediate Writing
Downloading and Sharing music off the Internet
201103227 E. I. T
Jung Ji Soo
Nowadays, the issues are really hot about downloading and sharing music off the internet. In my own perspective, music is also kind of intellectual property, so it is natural and right to get proper money. So Downloading and sharing music off the Internet for free is illegal and those who provide it to others illegally need to get a judge for their actions.
First of all, in Korea, too many people download music illegally just to save little amount of money. They simply think that it isn’t problematic to download music. However, there are too many people do like that. They even don’t feel that it is illegal. So the government needs to teach them music is also kind of intellectual property and it needs to be protected, and sharing music off the internet is like stealing other’ well-made products.
Secondly, the quality of life becomes more and more important. Among elements that make us happy, music takes big and important part in our lives. To become more diverse and international society, we also need diverse and many different kinds of music. However, if people download them freely and illegally, then who wants to make good and creative music? Music makers know that they cannot earn a lot of money because of people’s illegal actions, therefore they stop making really fantastic music. It is serious to make our cultures limited. Nowadays, when we look at the trend of idol’s music, it seems all the same. How boring is it?
At last, as many people know, music takes important role to connect one’s culture to others’ cultures. Think about Psy; with 2 songs, Gangnam style and Gentlemen, Korean national image becomes higher and worldwide people start to know where Korea is and become more interested in Korea. Only by looking at this, naturally we can know that how important music is. It means that we need to protect and treat music legally and think that it is really important in our cultures. When we treat music meaningfully, it can develop more and more
To conclude, as music is kind of intellectual property and we need to make our culture diverse and music is important cultural connector, we shouldn’t download and share music off the internet illegally. We need to protect music. Music is not just one physical product, it has really tremendous power and it gives a huge amount of joy to people.