Sorry, I missed the most important thing !
I mailed it again! Sorry for making you feel embarrassed
2013. 3. 10 SUN
TV: Could you do without it?
201103227 E. I. T
Jung Ji Soo
Nowadays, TV takes really important part in our lives. Some people say that this is
unnecessary and also not good for our lives, otherwise others say this is necessary and we
can not live without it. Of course each opinions have good reasons to support their ideas,
but I prefer the second one: TV is important and we cannot do without it.
The first reason why I think it necessary in our lives is that some programs have
really useful information and by watching them, we can learn more knowledge while
enjoying them. Because they're not that boring but more interesting compared with long
lessons.
The second reason is that we can release our stress. A lot of modern people have
troubles with their stress. Sometimes with TV, they can be more relaxed and they can enjoy
their time comfortably with a lot of interesting contents in TV. Sometimes, I also release my
stress watching k-pop audition programs which are really interesting to me and it gives
energy.
For these reasons I think that TV is not really bad if you can control your time well.
If you use TV wisely, you'll get more and more useful things easily.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI din't know I had to follow the form.
DeleteSo I deleted it. and I reupload feedback.
sorry.
to : Jung Ji Soo from : Jang Eun hye 201104213
ReplyDelete1. what I like about this piece of writing is that you arranged your writing very organized in terms of the sequence of introduction, body, and conclusion.
2. Your main point seems to be If TV is used well, it can help us.
3. Thes particular words or lines struck me as powerful :
words or lines : 1. we can learn more knowledge while
enjoying them.
2. it gives energy.
I like them because these reminded me of advantages of TV so these made your writing pretty convincing.
4. Some things are't clear to me. These lines or parts could be improved :In the first supporting sentence, you may want to give detailed program names.
5. The one change you could make that would make the biggest improvement in this piece of writing is that there may be room for improvement of word choices. If you chose more interesting words, your wirting would be very attractive.
To Jung Ji Soo from Hyein Jin 200903450 French
ReplyDelete1. What I like from your writing is that it is easy to read and well organized.
2. Your main point seems to be TV plays important roles in people's life with two reasons.
3. These particular words or lines struck me as powerful :
1)words or lines :
TV is important and we cannot do without it.
I like this because it clearly summarizes what you're going to say in next paragraphs.
2)words or lines :
The first reason why I think it necessary in our lives is that some programs have really useful information and by watching them, we can learn more knowledge while enjoying them.
I like this because it shows the biggest advantage from TV in a sentence.
4. Some things aren't clear to me. These lines or parts could be improved
:
Lines or parts For these reasons I think that TV is not really bad if you can control your time well.
If you use TV wisely, you'll get more and more useful things easily.
It needs improving because conclusion part has to be stronger than now. And in the last phrase it is too ambiguous to finish the essay briefly metioning the 'thing'. It would be better if you simply summarize two paragraphs before and make evaluation.
5. The one change you could make would make the biggest improvement in this piece of writing is that you might not need to devide this essay into several parts. It is very brief essay(150-200 words) and I remember I've heard we don't have to separate our writing into paragraphs in very short writing in the other writing class. :) But it is clear enough and I like it somehow :)