Could you do without TV?
Have you ever imagined what would happen if there is no Television in your life? Most people would say like " It will be a disaster!"
We usually get news by watching TV about the world, our nation and neighborhood instead of reading newspapers or magazines as we did in the past. Also, in our free time, we mostly spend time on watching TV shows or movies via TV. It always stays around us. TV plays an important role in our lives and it has become indispensable these days.
Most of all, It functions as a comprehensive system that delivers information from different kinds of fields. Not only does TV give us political, economic and social story but it also deals with sports news, entertainment that is more interesting. We don't need to waste our time in getting information about them. We just watch it and have fun lying on a sofa. In addition, there are lots of things we can do via TV. Even now, we are using it as the way of education by teaching educational contents to students on TV and we can do video chatting online. Those are unimaginable things before. More surprisingly, we surf the Internet while we are watching it these days! Who could ever imagine this could happen?
In conclusion, I strongly believe that we could not live without TV. It already has become a part of our lives. I expect that there must be much more things we can do using TV for our daily life and most of them would not be available without it.
To Lim, Chae-Min From Park Shin-Young
ReplyDelete1. What I like about this piece of writing is (style of writing. There are no any ambiguous words, phrases and sentences. Therefore, your opinion on necessity of TV is persuasive.).
2. Your main point seems to be (TV is always supposed to be around us).
3. These particular words or lines struck me as powerful:
Words or lines
: The introductory part (the first paragraph)
I like them because
: Giving a question at the very first part of writing is a kind of good way to draw attention from readers.
4. Some things aren’t clear to me. These lines or parts could be improved (meaning not clear, supporting points missing, order seems mixed up, writing not lively):
Lines or parts
: More surprisingly, we surf the Internet while we are watching it these days!
Need improving because
: I think this part is unnecessary. Because surfing the internet while watching TV has no relation to the necessity of TV. Of course, you wrote this sentence to put the emphasis on your main idea. But, to achieve an economic writing, this part needs to be omitted.
5. The one change you could make that would make the biggest improvement in this piece of writing is
Like I’ve pointed out on No.4, the sentence (More surprisingly, we surf the Internet while we are watching it these days!)needs to be omitted. Then, I think it would be much better writing.
To Lim, Chae-Min From Jisu Song
ReplyDelete1. What I like about this piece of writing is the hook of your introduction. You started your essay with a question and it drew my attention. It’s similar to the title, TV : Could you do without it?, but your hook gave me more specific picture.
2. Your main point seems to be living without TV is impossible.
3. These particular words or lines struck me as powerful:
I liked the "It will be a disaster!" part in your introduction. I could imagine the facial expression of those people. It made your essay livelier.
4. Some things aren't clear to me. These lines or parts could be improved (meaning not clear, supporting points missing, order seems mixed up, writing not lively):
In your first body paragraph, you wrote that TV always stays around us. I don’t really get this part. I think this sentence is more appropriate with cellphones, because we can always take them with us and we are literally staying around them. But you can’t really stay around TV all the time.
5. The one change you could make that would make the biggest improvement in this piece of writing is avoiding overgeneralization. In the second body paragraph, you wrote that sports news and entertainment are more interesting than political, economic and social story. But does everyone think so? Some people might find latter ones more interesting. Maybe you could say that ‘most people find sports and entertainment more interesting’.