We can’t leave him.
201201545 EIT Hannah Bae
In these days, no one can deny that people are addicted to TV. We can easily imagine a picture of family who are all watching TV after coming back home. Moreover, when gathering around, people talk about what’s new on TV and what they have seen. It’s evident that TV has dominated big parts of our lives. Some say because of TV, there’s a loss of communication between people. However, I strongly believe that the role of TV in our lives is actually expanding our communication and knowledge.
When watching TV, we don’t lose words. Instead, people talk about what’s happening and make a prediction or judgement about characters in drama. In other words, it broadens the range of communication. Moreover, there is various useful information people can get from TV. For instance, news and documentary programs provide us knowledge of what we didn’t know. We can watch and feel how other people live, how nature is composed of. We are really accustomed to these things for centuries. We cannot give up these habits that we started from birth. There are a lot to lose.
To Hannah Bae From Minyoung Kang
ReplyDelete1. What I like about this piece of writing is that it explains the concepts very clearly. In the writing, you have only one reason for the side you are on, but that reason is stated very clearly with adequate examples, so it was easy for me to understand why you believe TV is needed in our lives.
2. Your main point seems to be that you cannot do without television for it can be a great source of communication and knowledge.
3. These particular words or lines struck me as powerful:
(1) dominate big part of our lives: I thought this phrase described the current TV's role very clearly.
(2) There are a lot to lose: I thought this was a powerful ending sentence for the writing. I like writings that end with powerful emotional sentences.
4. Somethings aren't clear to me. These lines or parts could be improved:
(1) broadens the range of communication: It can be just me, but this expression didn't seem very clear to me. Does it mean that it can broaden the topic we talk about? or does it mean we communicate more often thanks to TV?
(2) centuries: TV has not been around for 'centuries,' I think. I think you mentioned centuries because there were other forms of media that we got these information from that lasted for centuries. Maybe you could make it more clearly.
5. The one change you could make that would make the biggest improvement in this piece of writing is to shorten the introduction. It seems to me that the half of your writing is the introduction and the other half is your support. Because it was only 200 words long essay, I understand that it is difficult to have intro body and conclusion. However, the thing about having a long introduction is that it has too much information about the side you are not on. You used contrasting arguments as your hook, but it was too long to be almost half of your writing, and I believe it would be better to have more of your argument than 'their' argument in the writing.
To Hannah Bae From Yumi An
ReplyDelete1. What I like about this piece of writing is that you have a unusual perspective towards TV still being very convinving. It is very easy to defense 'TV kills communication' but not that easy to defense 'TV helps communiaction'. Also, having one strong reason is appropriate and impactful for a short essay like this one.
2. Your main point seems to be that TV is needed because it enhances our lives by giving a lot of knowledge and chances of communication.
3. These particular words or lines struck me as powerful:
(1) it broadens the range of communication: This makes me think again. It was true. What was on TV is always a good communicaiont starter and flourishes our entire communication.
4. Somethings aren't clear to me. These lines or parts could be improved:
(1) these things, these habits : They are a little bit unclear to me. It could be 'Watching TV' or 'getting infromation or sources of communication through TV'. Although either or both of them could be, and someone think it does not matter, I think you can work more on it. They are almost at the near end of your writing. I think it is unappropirate to use unclear and too normal words when you reaching the end of your essay.
5. The one change you could make that would make the biggest improvement in this piece of writing is to reorganize the structure. I think your point is very fresh, new and convincing. If I feels your writing gets more weakend as it goes to the end, the only problem would be in the structure. You decided to assign comparatively a lot of part of your writing to the introduction. It could work effectively if your writing were longer than this. Because you have a quite long introduction before you hit into your real argument, you started the detail in a right place, but did not end the etail in a right place. I can see that you are still talking about the examples for what kinds of information you can get from TV at the near end. And I carefully guess that it would have forced you to suddenly wrap up the details into 'these things' and 'these habits'. I think it is not a good choice to use these kinds of unclear and open words at the end of your writing.