Since the emergence of TV, our lives have been deeply dependent on it from information source to entertaining method. It seems taking TV away means taking our lives away. Nonetheless, TV is not a necessary in our lives because there are other media that can replace TV.
First, the newspaper and the Internet can replace TV as information source. Although it does not deliver the news as fast as TV, it contains every contents TV handles and sometimes it even gives us further details. Moreover we now have Internet to access to the news and it is even faster than TV as its information uploads in real-time. Also, TV is not only the way we can entertain ourselves. We have various methods to be pleasured such as books or films. These are the methods with large industry and market which allows people to have various choices.
These are the reason why we could do without TV. There were lot of media before TV and will be more media after TV that can meet our needs as TV did.
From: Seungmi Park (200801262)
ReplyDelete1. What I like about this piece of writing is: that your writing is well organized in terms of paragraph structure and has high level of vocabulary.
2. Your main point seems to be : we could do without TV because there are other media that can replace TV.
3. These particular words or lines struck me as powerful:
Words or lines: "It seems taking TV away means taking our lives away"
I like them because: It's is a powerful analogy that shows the importance of TV in our lives although it goes against your main argument.
4. These lines or parts could be improved
Lines or parts: "There were lot of media before TV and will be more media after TV that can meet our needs as TV did."
Need improving because: When I saw the line "a lot of media before TV" I was confused. I think you meant books and films but it wasn't clear to me. I think you should make it clearer by repeating books and films.
5. The one change you could make that would make the biggest improvement in this piece of writing is: check your small grammar errors and word choices.
To Hyejeong Yu From Hayoung Kang
ReplyDelete1. What I like about this piece of writing is that you ornized the writing clearly. Most of components which is need to writing is distinct. For example, I have no difficulty finding thesis and topic sentence.
2. Your main point seems to be that TV is not a necessary in our lives because there are other media that can replace TV.
3. These particular words or lines struck me as powerful:
(1) "There were lot of media before TV and will be more media after TV that can meet our needs as TV did."
- This sentence looks very interesting to me because this is a changed format of same subject matter. In the introduction, you suggest similar sentence at the end. However you don't just use the same format of that but you summarize the topic in different form.
4. Somethings aren't clear to me. These lines or parts could be improved:
(1) "First, the newspaper and the Internet can replace TV as information source. Although it does not deliver the news as fast as TV, it contains every contents TV handles and sometimes it even gives us further details."
- I could guess what 'it' is in the context, but you had better point out what 'it' is in the sentence. Some readers may be confused about that.
5. The one change you could make that would make the biggest improvement in this piece of writing is to correct some grammatical errors and create more interesting hook to attract readers.