TV: Could you do without it?
In these days, TV hasn't been useful as it was. Many other devices, such as Personal Computer(PC) or Smartphone are available. Those devices are more useful than TV. Let me point out some advantages that other devices give us.
First, PC is more flexible than TV, in terms of schedule. Watching TV, you could not pause the programs, whenever you want. However, watching a video or clip on the PC, you can pause and do whatever you want. Moreover, the program schedule of TV is fixed, but considering PC, you can download many programs as many as you can and change the schedule to fit your schedule or daily lives. But, PC has a defect that is mobility same as TV has.
Second, the device solve this problem is Smartphone. It gives human mobility that makes people access any program, while they are commuting or moving.
In conclusion, TV has a lot of defects, which gives other device advantages. Personally, maybe little exaggerated, TV is outdated in terms of flexibility and mobility.
To: Jung Yong Tae, From. Seungmi Park (200801262)
ReplyDelete1. What I like about this piece of writing is:
that your writing is adequately formatted with good examples, such as the indents and PC Smartphone examples.
2. Your main point seems to be: We can do without TV because it is outdated in terms of flexibility and mobility.
3. These particular words or lines struck me as powerful:
Words or lines: "Maybe little exaggerated, TV is outdated."
I like them because: I like it that you used the word "outdated." It really brings me through your point.
4. These lines or parts could be improved:
Lines or parts: "TV has a lot of defects, which gives other device advantages."
Need improving because: I don't see how your logic works here. other devices don't get advantages just because TV has a lot of defects.
5. The one change you could make that would make the biggest improvement in this piece of writing is:
that you double check your writing beforehand. In that way you could notice your grammar errors and wrong logic.
To: Jung Yong Tae, From. Chae-min Lim(200902928)
ReplyDelete1. What I like about this piece of writing is:
"Let me point out some advantages that other devices give us."
Your thesis looks very clear and explains well what you are going to tell in the following paragraph.
2. Your main point seems to be: We can do without TV because there are other devices more useful than TV.
3. These particular words or lines struck me as powerful:
Words or lines: "Flexible"
I like them because: It is properly used in the 1st body paragraph. It implies the advantage of PC.
4. These lines or parts could be improved:
Lines or parts: "In these days"
Need improving because: We actually don't use "these days" like "in these days".
So, I think you could delete the word "in" in front of these days or change the whole to Nowadays.
5. The one change you could make that would make the biggest improvement in this piece of writing is:
There should be more support sentences in the second paragraph and in the conclusion. Compared with 1st body paragraph, those are too weak to show your opinion.