Have you heard about the National foundation Day of Korea? All nations have their own foundation day and want to celebrate the special day. Some have their own legend, while the others haven't. The former have a legend, because of the long history. I want to explain the 3rd of October is so special for Korean.
First of all, I want to talk about the history of Korea. In 2333 B.C., Korea was founded by Dangun, the son of a god and the woman who was originally a bear. Let me explain the story why a god had to marry the woman. The god came from the sky and met a tiger and a bear. He offered them a chance to become a human. The condition was that they have to eat only the mugwort and the garlic for 100 days in a cave. The tiger couldn't hold back its urge to eat other animals and escaped from the cave. In contrast, the bear suffered patiently for 100 days and became a woman. They married each other and gave birth to a baby, named Dangun. He was built the nation called Gojoseon which is the root of Korea.
Secondly, I want to say how we celebrate this day. We commemorate Dangun on the mountain called Mani, because it was the place that the god descended from the sky. Every single person in Korea has to fix the nation's flag on this day. Politicians have to rally on the celebration ritual for this special day.
Finally, I want to give the reason why this day is so important for Koreans. We are proud of the long history and that gives the Korean feeling that we have to bond with each other, because we share a blood of the same ancestor. Also, commemorating this day, we remind the patriotic spirit.
To Jung Yong Tae, From Yun Jeong Lee
ReplyDelete1. Your essay has a thesis statement(“I want to explain the 3rd of October is so special for Korean” and it is clear and relevant to the rest of the essay. However, it does not state the ‘process’ because your essay does not explain a process.
2. The background information in the essay seems to be that countries have their own foundation days and that some have related legends and some do not.
3. Your paragraphs are clearly distinguished, but it does not describe a process.
4. The paragraphs are linked by words such as ‘first of all’, ‘secondly’, ‘finally’, and ‘to sum up’. The organization is logical, but there isn’t a sequential flow from one idea to the next.
5. All supporting details are relevant to the essay. Personally, I think the first paragraph is very interesting in that it tells an interesting legend of Korea.
6. The essay concludes with a one line summary of the essay and also suggests foreigners learn about the foundation day in order to understand Korea. I think this is a good way to end an essay:)
-Yun Jeong Lee
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteTo Jung Yong Tae From Hannah Bae
ReplyDelete1. What I like about this piece of writing is the hook. The first sentence makes the readers curious and concentrate.
2. Your main point seems to be the National foundation day of Korea has special meaning for Koreans.
3. These particular words or lines struck me as powerful:
we can justify ourselves about our country's root
This sentence strongly express what you think and what you wanted to talk about in summary. Also, it made me think about Korean's ancestors and history.
4. Some things aren’t clear to me. These lines or parts could be improved (meaning not clear, supporting points missing, order seems mixed up, writing not lively):
The former have a legend, because of the long history.
I didn't find the reason why you mentioned about 'have a legent' again. I felt that you wanted to connect the 1st paragraph and 2nd paragraph naturally but it reversly disturbed the flow, i think.
5. The one change you could make that would make the biggest improvement in this piece of writing is that you spent a paragraph talking about history. The point that you told history was good but it was little bit long and i wonder it has to be that long. If you shorten it and add some information about the other things or made it into two paragraphs so all the paragraphs are similar in length, it will be more organized, sophisticated writing.
Have you heard about the National foundation Day of Korea? All nations have their own foundation day and want to celebrate the special day. Some have their own legend, because of the long history, while the others haven't. I want to explain the 3rd of October is so special for Korean.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I want to talk about the history of Korea. In 2333 B.C., Korea was founded by Dangun, the son of a god and the woman who was originally a bear. Let me explain the story why a god had to marry that woman. The god came from the sky and met a tiger and a bear. He offered them a chance to become a human. The condition was that they have to eat only the mugwort and the garlic for 100 days in a cave.
After 30 days, the tiger couldn't hold back its urge to eat other animals and escaped from the cave. In contrast, the bear suffered patiently for 100 days and became a woman. They married each other and gave birth to a baby, named Dangun. He was built the nation called Gojoseon which is the root country of Korea.
Secondly, I want to say how we celebrate this day. We commemorate Dangun on the mountain called Mani, because it was the place that the god descended from the sky. Every single person in Korea has to fix the nation's flag on this day. Politicians have to rally on the celebration ritual for this special day.
Finally, I want to give the reason why this day is so important for Koreans. We are proud of the long history and that gives the Korean feeling that we have to bond with each other, because we share a blood of the same ancestor. Also, commemorating this day, we remind the patriotic spirit.
To sum up, the National foundation Day of Korea is a crucial day for Korean, because it makes us feel patriotic and we can justify ourselves about our country's root. If you are foreigner, you have to learn or know about this day to understand Korea.