Television is believed to be the best invention of all time. Although it is debatable whether it gives more harms then goods, I think that I cannot do without television for a couple of reasons.
First of all, through television I feel mentally connected with someone who watches the same programs. Television shows often elicit deep emotions to my surface which make me want to share with my friends. When I go to a coffee shop with my colleagues, the first thing we talk about is television shows. Or in a blind date, I can start from finding some common ground by asking her favorite television programs.
Second, I cannot do without television because it has also brought my family physically closer watching it together in the living room after a long, tiring day. These days, people, especially teenagers, have fewer chances to spend time with family because of all the great things in the world: Facebook, smart phones, or computers. However, when we watch television we actually gather together and enjoy the joyful moment.
So, I cannot do without television because this small device acts as a tool to connect me both mentally and physically with my friends and family.
To Saewhan Park From Minyoung Kang
ReplyDelete1. What I like about this piece of writing is that it is very organized. Your writing is clearly divided in to introduction, body and conclusion, so it was easy for me to figure out the side you are on, and your supports for it.
2. Your main point seems to be that you cannot do without television for two reasons that you have mentioned in the writing. The first support was that you are able to share common ideas with others who watch the same program, and the second support was that it brought your family together.
3. These particular words or lines struck me as powerful:
(1) on a blind date~: I liked this part because I could relate it with my personal experience. I think this part about how TV programs can help in your daily lives can connect to the readers easily, and thus makes your writing more powerful.
(2) act as a tool: I thought this was a great expression that describes the role of TV in the daily lives.
4. Somethings aren't clear to me. These lines or parts could be improved:
(1) deep emotions: I couldn't understand this part, because I couldn't connect TV with deep emotions. It might be better to give more explanations about how TV can stimulate your emotions and how it makes you express those feelings.
(2) Facebook smartphones~: This part was a little confusing because these things seemed similar to TV. We watch TV together with our family, but we usually watch it without communicating. You could perhaps explain more about how TV can be a shared interest, but it still may overlap with the first body paragraph.
5. The one change you could make that would make the biggest improvement in this piece of writing is to avoid repetition. Even though the topic was 'TV: Can you do without it?', we can use many different expressions rather than using 'do without TV' several times. In most of your paragraph, 'do without TV' came out often, and I think your writing would be much better if you could give it more diversity.
To Saehwan Park from Soyun Jeong
ReplyDelete1. What I liked about your piece of writing is that you gave us clear and understandable reasons that support your main idea really well. You also wrote lots of good examples that everybody can agree on. Those exemplified situations really help understanding what you intended to say.
2. Your main point seems to be: TV is necessary because it connects people either mentally and physically.
3. These particular words or lines struck me as powerful:
‘physically’ and ‘mentally’: I just loved the way you analyzed how TV brings people together in both physical and mental way, because usually physical and mental aspects of our lives are something that should be considered at the same time, and you just did that.
4. Some things aren’t clear to me. These lines or parts could be improved
‘…the first thing we talk about is television shows.’ I think this sentence is not correct because you use singular noun for ‘thing’ and plural for ‘show’, when both words indicate the same thing.
5. The one change you could make that would make the biggest improvement in this piece of writing is: I think there is no major change needed in this writing. It is good enough! However I think you should check on some grammar errors to make it more perfect.