Are you happy now? Everyone wants to be happy. Then, what causes happiness? What makes people happy? The happiness is relative, so there are probably as many causes as there are people. But, I am going to talk about how relative the happiness can be, depending on a person's age, gender and personality, and what is important to be happy in general.
Happiness often depends on our age. For example, for a six year old child, sliding and getting dizzy on the round-a-bout in a park swinging will be endless fun. Whereas his old grandmother in her seventies will enjoy very much watching him sitting on a bench.
Also, our gender determines what makes us happy. Women may feel happy chatting with their friends while appreciating a cup of high quality coffee. Whereas men would find it more exhiliarating to be drinking with their old friends or to be out playing sports.
Another thing that can determines happiness is our personality. In large, there are two types of personality - extroverted and introverted. While an extrovert will have a great time at a large and lively
party, an introvert is more likely to feel joy at reading a good book alone under an oak tree on a summer day.
Finally, there is the most important thing for us to be happy - a positive mind. If we have a positive mind, it will not only give us physical and mental health, but also make people around us happy. In
addition, a positive mind leads us to look on the bright side of life, which makes us more likely to feel happy.
In conclusion, happiness relies on many kind of factors, such as age, gender and personality. However, having a positive mind is very important for us to be happy. It will give us a better life with better relationships and better health. A lot of things could cause our happiness, but the most important thing is yourself. Be positive and be happy.
1. What I like about this piece of writing is that it keeps asking readers some questions which makes readers to be interested and stay active while reading this writing. And I like the way you approach to the cause of happiness as it seems fresh.
ReplyDelete2. Your main point seems to be happiness differ from depending on person’s age, gender and personality. And having a positive mind is cause of happiness.
3. This particular words or lines struck me as powerful:
- A lot of things could cause our happiness, but the most important thing is you. Be positive and be happy.
: Like I said before, there are much of words that indicate the readers which is ‘you’. I think it motivates people and there might be more chance of people taking action as your essay ends with a demanding sentence that encourages people.
4. Some things are not clear to me:
-The conclusion part seems to reveal important only on having a positive mind, making other points to look as unimportant. May it would be better if you mention other factors at the same degree of importance.
5. The one change you should make that would make the biggest improvement might be focusing on one subject. Your essay little bit sounds like that you have two main points. One is that happiness differs from depending on person’s age, gender and personality. The other seems to be having a positive mind is cause of happiness. This essay might be better understood if you take only one of these themes.
To Young Jun Yoo from Sae Whan Park
ReplyDelete1. What I like about this piece of writing is that you organized ideas that you are going to write about at the end of your introduction paragraph. It was easy for me to see the whole picture of your essay by only reading the intro.
2. Your main point seems to be three factors that determin happiness and what is important for it.
3. These particular words or lines struck me as powerful:
"For example, for a six year old child, sliding and getting dizzy on the round-a-bout in a park swinging will be endless fun. Whereas his old grandmother in her seventies will enjoy very much watching him sitting on a bench."
I liked this sentence because you did a good job in explaining how relative happiness is by describing it. I can clearly imagine the child in a park swinging.
4. Some things aren’t clear to me. These lines or parts could be improved (meaning not clear, supporting points missing, order seems mixed up, writing not lively):
You said you were going to write about how relative happiness can be, but it doesn't seem to be connected with the topic of this essay which is the cause of happiness. Happiness can be relative, of course, with age, gender, and personality. But those are not something we have controls over, and therefore hard to be causes of happiness.
5. The one change you could make that would make the biggest improvement in this piece of writing is writing 5 paragraphs instead of 6. And each paragraph is a bit short, so you might want to put more examples to support your ideas in each paragraph.
Second Draft :
ReplyDelete1. Based on the feedback above, I removed one body paragraph.
2. I changed the thesis statement and the topics of the body paragraphs.
Are you happy now? Everyone wants to be happy. Then, what causes happiness? What makes people happy? The happiness is relative, so there are probably as many causes as there are people. But, there are several common ways to find happiness, which apply to everyone.
First, a grateful attitude toward small blessings will help you find happiness. Whether you are rich or poor, your happiness depends on whether you appreciate what you have at the moment. Think this way. No matter how rich or poor you are, there are richer or poorer people than you out there. You can also benefit from gratitude. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, grateful people are found to be generally happier, with more social connections and fewer bouts of depression. So be thankful.
The second way to be happy is to truly love yourself. I am not saying to you to be one of those people who brag about themselves or pretend to have a high opinion of themselves. What I am saying is to truly have a high self esteem. In order to do that, you should accept yourself as you are, and not listen to your inner critic voice that you might hear whenever you do something wrong, which goes like “Oh man, I’m so stupid!” or “I can’t do anything right!”
Finally, there is the most important thing for you to be happy - a positive mind, which will help you do two aforementioned things. Plus, if you have a positive mind, it will not only give you physical and mental health, but also make people around you happy. Positive thinking is contagious so you will make people around you have a positive mind and then the whole world eventually. In addition, a positive mind leads us to look on the bright side of life, which make you more likely feel happy.
In conclusion, it is certain that happiness varies from person to person, but there are common ways for everyone to achieve their happiness. You should be grateful for even small things, truly accept yourself, and, most importantly, have a positive mind. If you infect people around you with your positive thinking, the world will be full of happiness. Be positive and be happy.